Mourning the Loss

Let me start this entry by introducing you to a few things about me..

I know I said I didn't suffer from poor self esteem but.. I didn't say I didn't have any insecurities. I have always obsessed over clothes, accessories, hair & makeup. If I couldn't change my body appearance I was at least determined to package it up all nice and pretty to disguise it! This started at a young age. I had an eye for fashion. Although I didn't always execute my visions correctly, I continued to do my thing. Ironically, moments before I began typing this blog entry I saw a facebook memory of one of my senior photos I had posted years ago. In this photo my hair is flat ironed straight (that was the thing) I had on these brown almost square frames glasses, this solid green top with a long sleeved patterned green shirt/sweater tied around my neck. I sure hope that look was in bc if not I may have looked like a fool haha. Oh well, that was 14yrs ago. WOAH that just messed my mind up. anyway- with out further ado, here is the image I am speaking of:

No laughing. This was years ago. Anyway, that's just a funny example of how I meticulously selected my wardrobe for many many years. It got worse as I got older and had my own money to spend. My husband and I like to vacation and every time we go on one I have to buy new clothes for it. Its ridiculous I know but 2015's spending was necessary!! We probably purchased more clothes in the years 2014 & 2015 than ever before so our closet is full of fun favorites.

To be completely honest, when I realized this Weight Loss Journey was for sure beginning, the first thing that came to my mind were my clothes. I don't want to lose my clothes. These clothes have built confidence in me. They have helped build my character. They were a part of my daily happiness if you will. I didn't realize just how attached I was until the thought of losing them lingered in my mind. As ridiculous as it sounds, I would literally look through facebook photos and be completely saddened at the idea of losing these clothes forever. Tears would feel my eyes and I would be completely consumed with emotions. I knew the time would eventually come, and I know there are people who would love to take them and care for them. Maybe they will bring happiness, confidence and add character to someone else... but not right now. I was considering this a possibility for months down the road..... WRONG.

On the MOURNING of Friday 01/08/16 I woke up to a whopping 40lb LOSS. The inches that I lost were significant. I had my outfit for the day ready to go. I was so excited to finally fit this shirt I had had for awhile (only wore once, but the chest area was too snug). It was perfect for the zoo!! I pulled out a pair of jeans to wear that would normally fit tight enough to create a small little belly roll expecting them to fit just perfectly. Well, neither of them went as planned and I ended up crying for a good 10minutes. This was not a happy cry as it should have been, but a mourning cry. It must have been the most devastating, passionate cry I've cried (if that makes sense). Sure I was happy at my successful loss. 40lbs is a lot of weight off; I didn't realize the significance of the numeric value until I compared it to a  40% off sale. (Im pretty good at justifying my spending when things are on sale). Reality had set in. Ill never be able to wear this outfit again. The shirt was so big it looked ridiculous. The jeans were tolerable but too baggy to wear for much longer. Surprised by my immediate reaction to these two articles of clothes that I wouldn't even consider my favorite.. I began to fear what my mind would be like in the near future...  This is my first MOURNING cry.

Some of you may not be able to relate to this at all. Id like to say I'm not materialistic but sure I am. Not to impress others, or even to make a statement...but for ME. Clothes make ME feel good. This journey is not easy at all. It affects so many different aspects of my life as I knew it. I keep reminding myself that the end reward will be well worth it.

 I will mourn the loss of the april with bad eating habits.... the april who was used to preferring tables over booths, who never got excited to catch flying shirts being thrown in to crowds at concerts or events. I will mourn the loss of the april who feared being middle seat on the airplane and who never ate cake at parties claiming to not like it. I will mourn the loss of the april who got to ride shot-gun by default so that more people could pile in the back row...

 Folks this is real... my raw emotion. As I have tears streaming down my face, I remember all the things that being fat has burdened me with. I have lived this way for so long that most of this just seems normal. I hope and pray that you reading this can truly see or even feel who I am and what I'm going thru. Its tough. Im sad, but Im happy too. This opportunity does mean the world to me and I'm very thankful to have it and share it with you. xox